Dinkar - Life , as I see it

The blurry image of the not so distant past is becoming clearer than ever before . I feel that I’m going back in time when it all happened…

8 months ago….

The night couldn’t have been more romantic . Sitting on the cliff edge , just you and me , with the twinkling city lights ahead of the cliff seemed like the reflection of the stars above us . The sky ,clear and dark , couldn’t have been more beautiful . The gentle wind made your hair shiver in air . And there you sat , with my head on your lap . You gently caressed my hair with your fingers like you always did when I sat in such position .

“If the stars were to grant you one wish , what would it be ? ” , I asked .

A bit of pondering and you replied gently ,” I would wish that we both become a constellation so that we stay together till eternity “

“A very cheesy reply ” , I said and smiled , hearing which you gave that irritated look of yours . I just love that look of yours, coz your nose gets pressed and round and you look really really cute . Not that you don’t look beautiful otherwise but the irritated look of yours is the one I go ga-ga over . “But Miss Komal I think its late enough , we must head back home , your father must be getting very angry .”

You sighed and moments later we were on my bike , heading for home .

Wham !!!!!!

Ouch !!!! That smarts !!!

The pain ! Its intense ! Seems to be radiating from all over my body . I slowly gather  the courage to open my eyes .

Oh my God ! Where am I ?

The were dozens of plastic tubes attached to almost every part of my body . One for probably blood transfer , another for glucose and the rest I had no idea of . The green curtains indicated the probably I was in a hospital . My legs were plastered . Badly plastered ! So much that I couldn’t make out where my torso started and where the plaster ended . Suddenly a searing pain ran through my chest and I jumped in recoil . The figure of a lady spontaneously came to my assistance . She gently calmed me down and shouted for assistance . A swarm of nurses came in time and gave me necessary injections .

Ah ! Much better !

It was only when I calmed down that I realised that the lady was my Mom , immensly thin , tense and weak . Almost a frail figure with no energy left .

A trickle of tear went down her eyes , It was difficult to understand whether it was due to the sorrow of my position or the joy that I was still alive in this critical state .

“Two months has it been since the accident “, she sniffed and said . “You have been under life support systems since then .” I guess thats why she looked pale . Mothers are always weak at heart . When I was young even a single scratch on me would make heart immmensly tense . This time I have no idea what impact my present situation was having on her .

“What about Komal ? ” I asked . Its was the first question that came to my mind . She hesitated , Stuttered , and seemed completely out of words . Silence prevailed !

“Mom ! Tell me !” I angrily shouted  with all my strength . Or so it seemed to me . Coz it was no more than a whisper that came out. I was so weak that even the whisper seemed to be fatal to me . A sudden surge of pain ran through my spine as soon as I had made it . She quickly came besides me to calm me down .

Relief again . She was holding my hand .

“Mom ….. Please …. Tell me “

This time it was more of a solemn plead that I made , humble enough to melt her heart . A tear slowly trickled down my left eye .

“She’s …. dead ” , she said in a single long sigh .

Present day , morning  …

Time managed to mend only my physical wounds . I can walk and even run now . I enter the dining room where my Dad is already seated .

“And how are we today ?” he asks

“Fine” I said with a smile , made to disguise the sorrow I was in . Even he knew that I had been in perpetual pain since I came to know about your death . The question had been asked just to break the sullen silence that usually prevailed every morning at the breakfast table . But that didn’t help much . Silence prevailed thereafter , after all .

“You know what son … A new constellation has been discovered . Its in today’s newspaper . Says here it resembles a girl with her arms stretched open , as if she’s about to hug someone ……….. “

Silence struck once again . But this time it left me thinking deeply .

10 mins ago , present day , afternoon …

Its been a hard life without you Komal .

“We couldn’t save her son ” my mother had said when she broke the news about your death . “It was impossible . She had a cracked skull . The rear wheel of the truck ran over her  head which lead to her instant death . You , however , were fortunate to have only your legs crushed by it . The people who witnessed the accident promptly called for ambulance … “

I’ve been dying a slow death since then , Komal . As if the void created by your absence is not painful enough , I have to also live with the haunting feeling that I’ve been responsible for your death . Had I not been driving that recklessly that  day , this wouldn’t have been the scene today .

But you know what ! I see you in my dreams everyday . And in them I never find you angry at me. You smile at me with your arms wide open as if wanting me to hug you . Yet …. yet …. when I look into you eyes there’s nothing I can see . Nothing but my own mistake staring back at me .

Today when Dad told me about the new constellation , I was completely baffled . Maybe the stars after all granted your wish . Maybe you’ve become a constellation after all . Maybe that’s what you tried to tell me in my dreams . Maybe its my turn now !!

I long for your hug ,Komal . I long for the loving manner in which you would caress my hair . I long to see you smile . Its time for me to join you with the stars ….and become a constellation too . To get immortalised . Thats why I have this knife before me . The moment I end this letter , I’m going to cut my throat and join you for eternity .

See you in the cosmos Komal …

It was a small journey that we’d made together … But its truly a walk to remember … Or maybe …. a walk that everyone should forget …

A friend of mine made a very pinching comment on one of my habits yesterday … She said that I’m famous among my old friends that I don’t keep in touch with them … The comment was a very casual one but it did successfully pinch me right in the weak spot …

It did so because somewhere deep down in me I do know that I have the habit of doing this … I wont call it a habit though … Its more of my characteristic … Innate one … Has been there since I started making friends , since I was a tiny tot … When my friend made this sarcastic remark all of my friends that I have made since I was an infant rushed through my brain …

I remember some of my oldest friends , those who belong to the rare breed of best friends , I no longer am in touch with them … More importantly the strangest thing is that I have them in all my gtalk/yahoo/hotmail messenger buddy list , orkut/facebook accounts , yet I fail to be in touch …

Being social is one thing that I have never learnt in my life … I never initiate a conversation … I never plan an outing with my friends … I never ask girl out for a dinner myself even if I liked her … I have always waited for others to start talking to me … Have always waited for my friends to plan an outing and have always thought that the girl asks me out [ A very very silly thought which I must say ] … But I guess it never pinched me , though this thing always remained in my mind that this is the negative point of my character …

But one lame excuse that I can give for my defence is that being not in touch with my friends and forgetting them are two separate phrases … I do remember each and everyone of them … But I guess this is the lamest of excuse that I could’ve given …

Better one perhaps is an apology … If any of my friend is reading this post I apologise to him for not having been in touch with him … I will try my best to change this habit of mine [ Though I might still not gather the guts to ask a girl our for dinner ] … But you might be better knowing me and that this is one of my oldest habit … And old habits die hard … Still I will make effort to keep in touch … You guys try to be in contact too …

And thank you my friend [ wont disclose the name ] for telling me that I’m famous among my old friends that I dont keep in touch with them … Had you not told me this then perhaps I’d have never felt the urge to change …

Its been quite sometime that I haven’t posted here on my blog … Its not that I don’t think of writing or I care if anyone’s reading my posts or not …

But the problem lies somewhere else … Almost everyday I open my blogging account , click on the write post link and as I am about to start typing I realise that I dont have anything to write about … And even if I have anything to write about I feel that its not worth writing here …

This has become almost a routine activity nowdays … And steadily my desire to blog has been diminishing … Perhaps I should take sometime off blogging and when I feel that I have enough content worth writing , probably then I will start posting again …

In the meantime , its farewell …

I hate rain . Lemme rephrase it again . I have started hating rain . It reminds me of my friends , my last year’s life in BIAS . Last year had been by far the best time of my life . It hadn’t been before nor is it now . And everytime it rains it seems to mock at me … Trying to tell me that it might not be for a long time that I get those friends again , those moments again that I witnessed in BIAS .

Rain reminds me of all the time I had spent with friends there … Shashank , Ajit , Anurag , Rashi , Honey , Priya , Sandhya , Vaishali and the rest . Those moments so …so …SO … I am outta words here .

And then this very RAIN …. its brings shudders down my spine …. WILL I EVER BE GOING TO ENJOY LIFE AS I ENJOYED IT LAST YEAR ….

There’s so much I can write here … But not all things can be written down … Not atleast in a blog …. Perhaps this is what I have to pay for my mistake …. Solitude …. The lone crusader have I become …. Alone in a crowd …. Perhaps its due to the influence of this rainy whether …. But I couldn’t help pen down my feelings at this very moment …. I know I’ll feel like a complete ASS when I read this same post in the future …. But for now writing all this down is giving me a sense of relief ….

ARRRGH !!!!

Darn !

I few days ago I propagated my ideology of having an aim in life . Blabbered all the philosophies regards why we need an aim in life . Telling you that I perhaps I’ve thought what aim I have . And suddenly I realise now that I’ve lost sight of that aim . Maybe because of a person , maybe because of my innate and corrupt habit of getting off track every now and then or perhaps some other reason .

I think I’ll have to figure out myself properly . I still am a mystery for myself , even after having been with myself since birth . Only when I characterise what I actually am will I be able to realise where my problem lies .

Every morning as the crystal clear rays of sunlight , gleaming from the narrow spaces , between the leaves of the tree behind my room’s window , fall on my face , I open my eyes . Open them gently with a sense of aversion and pulling myself up sitting on my bed , I think ! Thinking that this morning might be the morning which bears some resemblance to the initial mornings I experienced in Manipal . Thinking that against all the odds , against all the contraries this morning be slight like the old fashioned ones . Thus with this anticipation I look at my room partner , who sleeps cozily on his bed . Disappointed I become ,but loose hope I not . So I head towards my roommates next door , only to find the they too lie asleep in the beds . “NO ! NOT AGAIN !” echoes in my head almost as loud as if I had screamed with all my might .

Now the problem in the above scenario lies sheerly due to the 100 % pure jealousy that I feel when I find all three of them asleep . They remain asleep , not because they had had a long tiresome previous day , but because they are absolutely LAZY ASS ! Now the striking question which might arrive in your brain [i.e. if you think ... most of my friend including me have stopped thinking since we've joined the engineering course ] is that what’s the correlation between my jealousy and the good old days of mine at Manipal . OK , to answer this lemme tell you a story .

Once upon a time , there was a boy called ,suppose , XYZ . Now this boy was one of those chaps who could sleep all day long , and still managed to squeeze some more hours of sleep at night . On average he would sleep 18-19 hrs per day* .

Suddenly this boy finds himself in an Engineering college . He has become a hostler with three roommates of similar age. Now the boy , still not out of the habit of sleeping long hours always found himself waking up at the last , among the foursome . That too when one of the three would drag him off the bed , sprinkling some water [ About a bucketful only ] on his face [ Read as the entire body ] . Along with this activity there would a characteristic sound which was something like “Wake up you asshole ! Classes start in 15 mins” . So the boy would get dressed quickly and would ricochet to the classsroom barely managing to reach on time .

But , BUT , as the time passed the other three roommates of XYZ under the inductive effect his sheer laziness , became lazy too ! And they too started bunking classes in order to sleep . Realizing the magnanimity of the situation [ Read as : Trying to save his bum from getting on Ordi (In gist meaning short of attendance) ] the boy had to take drastic measures and shun his habit of sleeping late . He started getting up early and would wake up his comrades . Completely exasperated and flabbergasted by this shift in the working of the morning cycle the boy still awaits for the good ol’ days to come again !

Finish …

Well for most of you who still might be thinking who XYZ is [ Told ya na ... We , i.e. the budding engineers loose the ability to think ... Probably due to the stereotype course that we have to con by rote every night before the exam ... And when the exam passes our daily schedule of wasting time starts again ] , I have just two words to say “IT’S ME [ Technically they are three words IT IS ME ... But what the heck ... You aren't my english teacher ! ] . Still hoping that our life be a periodic funtion of time ,and that once again the same cycle repeats again , and I might be able to find some way to cease that beautiful moment forever !!! Moment when I hear those soothing words again “GET UP ASSHOLE … CLASSES START IN 15 MINS . “

*Conditions apply : The day needed to be a holiday … On regular days XYZ’s parent didn’t let him sleep after 8 a.m.

Perhaps this guy has explained exactly what many people aren’t able to . Here’s the link

Lately I have been thinking … a lot … And this post is the direct outcome of those thoughts …Very long post after a long time…

“Everybody loves a hero .People line up for them , cheer them , scream out their name .And years later they will tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them to hold on a second longer.

I believe that there’s a hero in all of us .That keeps us honest ,gives us strength ,makes us noble and finally allows us to die with pride”

-Aunt May

Spiderman 2

Remember the time ? when we were young ! We used to idolize a superhero .Batman,Superman,Spiderman … we always wanted to be one of those . We would see their cartoons , buy their action figues and even play games among friends in which we played the role of our beloved hero . And though we’ve become wise enough to realize that those were merely fictional characters , we still continue to watch them sometimes , retrospecting and cherishing the time when we once regarded them as THE ONE .

As we grow older our idols change . From fictional heroes to real ones . Everyone is inspired by someone . Remember how you once wanted to be a great batsman like Sachin Tendulkar , or a successful actor like Shahrukh Khan , or maybe you wanted to discover the secret of the cosmos and idolized Stephen Hawking / Albert Einstien . Perhaps maybe the next Bill Gates ? Some we even idolise our relatives .Father ,mother ,elder brother , grandfather etc. But one fact remains as constant as the North Star : “EVERYONE HAS AN IDOL !” . Those who disagree with this statement are probably fooling themselves , living with the false belief that they idolise none , that their life is completely thought out and planned by themselves . For these people I have a piece of advice : “Introspect deeply and if you are true to yourself you’ll get to know who you idolise.”

But the question that bewilders me is “Why do we idolise someone ?” The most probable answer that one might think of is “Because we want to be like them” . Superficially speaking , yes , this is correct . We wish to become like them . But ponder a bit deeply and you realise that our idols help us to fabricate our AIMS in life .

A few days back a friend of mine sent me an SMS , as follows :

The worst thing in life is ATTACHMENT

It hurts when you lose it

The best thing in life is LONELINESS

It teaches you everything and when you lose it

You get everything

Well this SMS started a thought process in me. I tried to think of the worst thing in life. And I came up with the conclusion that being AIMLESS in life is the worst thing . Life looks all merry and fun in the beginning when you are aimless BUT in the long run ,at some point of time you suddenly realise that aimlessness has hollowed you out from the inside . You lose your morals , rules , beliefs and sometimes your close ones too .

An example that I thought of while thinking of this was one of the stories that I read when I was in class eighth. In it a man had been challenged to stay in solitude for 15 years . He was told to stay in a single room filled with magnanimous amount of books , for fifteen years ! And the man as ridiculous, mad , brave or stupid as it might sound stayed there for almost that duration . But just when his duration was about to complete , the man ran awy from the room . But left a note saying that he couldn’t have stayed that long in the solitude , had it not been for the books . He wrote that for the first few years he felt lonely , felt like abandoning the challenge . But then he saw the books , and he made an AIM to gather as much knowledge as he could . He started reading those books , books of every genre , books which became his eyes and made him see the world from the eyes of the authors . He didn’t feel lonely anymore . That was when he realised the futility of the challenge …. That was when he decided to abandon the challege after having the opportunity of winning it .

So we see loneliness or attachment aren’t the worst things in life . AIM is the keyword here !

But you may wonder again “Why do we need to have an aim ? ” Good question … I appreciate that it came to your mind . Maybe this might answer your query .

Close your eyes and try to make up an image of yours 10 years from now . How would you want tourself to be . Some image must have come up on the canvas of your imagination . Note carefully the background , where you are , what clothes your are wearing and how you look . So how were you ? Must have imagined yourself to be successful and happy , didn’t you ? Yes ofcourse you must have .

The image of what your passive mind had made up . This is what you , at some point of time , must have thought of becoming . This is what you had destined to become ! Destiny , the greatest answer to your existence in life . Why you were born , why you came to this world and how will you contribute to the world . Everyone is destined to do something . But I strongly believe that one’s destiny isn’t carved up in heaven , its we who make it !

But, BUT, if you want to become the person you imagined you must make up your own destiny or else others will modify your destiny and you’ll land up on a completely different territory . Thus in order to remain on the correct track you require to have an AIM / AIMS set in life .

These chain of thoughts had kept me busy since I returned back to college . And after thinking over them I feel relieved , I feel lighter . I have a destiny in life . Now I have to set my aims to achieve it !

A friend of mine wrote this post …

What can I say … He stole my words … He expressed exactly the way I feel …

I like speaking crap . Don’t you ? Yeah I mean CRAP crap , not some other crap . Meaning things that make no sense at all . So do you like speaking crap ? NO ? Why ? I mean speaking crap is one thing that I wouldn’t think of forsaking even for the world . It gives you the opportunity to express yourself without letting others realise that you’ve made a valid/invalid point . Like they say “There are some things in life that money cant buy ” , speaking crap to me is among those somethings …. oh lemme finish the phrase “There are some things in life that money cant buy , for everything else there’s Mastercard ! “

I guess you are just too arrogant to realise the importance of speaking crap . You , yes YOU , living in that so called developed society , talking all the sensible things with people and leading a life of sophisticated human beings . I guess my crap talk won’t interest you much . So I guess you’ll have to wait for another post of mine where I write something more meaningful … Till then …. Adiós amigos .