Laments of a Forlorn Heart

The blurry image of the not so distant past is becoming clearer than ever before . I feel that I’m going back in time when it all happened…

8 months ago….

The night couldn’t have been more romantic . Sitting on the cliff edge , just you and me , with the twinkling city lights ahead of the cliff seemed like the reflection of the stars above us . The sky ,clear and dark , couldn’t have been more beautiful . The gentle wind made your hair shiver in air . And there you sat , with my head on your lap . You gently caressed my hair with your fingers like you always did when I sat in such position .

“If the stars were to grant you one wish , what would it be ? ” , I asked .

A bit of pondering and you replied gently ,” I would wish that we both become a constellation so that we stay together till eternity “

“A very cheesy reply ” , I said and smiled , hearing which you gave that irritated look of yours . I just love that look of yours, coz your nose gets pressed and round and you look really really cute . Not that you don’t look beautiful otherwise but the irritated look of yours is the one I go ga-ga over . “But Miss Komal I think its late enough , we must head back home , your father must be getting very angry .”

You sighed and moments later we were on my bike , heading for home .

Wham !!!!!!

Ouch !!!! That smarts !!!

The pain ! Its intense ! Seems to be radiating from all over my body . I slowly gather  the courage to open my eyes .

Oh my God ! Where am I ?

The were dozens of plastic tubes attached to almost every part of my body . One for probably blood transfer , another for glucose and the rest I had no idea of . The green curtains indicated the probably I was in a hospital . My legs were plastered . Badly plastered ! So much that I couldn’t make out where my torso started and where the plaster ended . Suddenly a searing pain ran through my chest and I jumped in recoil . The figure of a lady spontaneously came to my assistance . She gently calmed me down and shouted for assistance . A swarm of nurses came in time and gave me necessary injections .

Ah ! Much better !

It was only when I calmed down that I realised that the lady was my Mom , immensly thin , tense and weak . Almost a frail figure with no energy left .

A trickle of tear went down her eyes , It was difficult to understand whether it was due to the sorrow of my position or the joy that I was still alive in this critical state .

“Two months has it been since the accident “, she sniffed and said . “You have been under life support systems since then .” I guess thats why she looked pale . Mothers are always weak at heart . When I was young even a single scratch on me would make heart immmensly tense . This time I have no idea what impact my present situation was having on her .

“What about Komal ? ” I asked . Its was the first question that came to my mind . She hesitated , Stuttered , and seemed completely out of words . Silence prevailed !

“Mom ! Tell me !” I angrily shouted  with all my strength . Or so it seemed to me . Coz it was no more than a whisper that came out. I was so weak that even the whisper seemed to be fatal to me . A sudden surge of pain ran through my spine as soon as I had made it . She quickly came besides me to calm me down .

Relief again . She was holding my hand .

“Mom ….. Please …. Tell me “

This time it was more of a solemn plead that I made , humble enough to melt her heart . A tear slowly trickled down my left eye .

“She’s …. dead ” , she said in a single long sigh .

Present day , morning  …

Time managed to mend only my physical wounds . I can walk and even run now . I enter the dining room where my Dad is already seated .

“And how are we today ?” he asks

“Fine” I said with a smile , made to disguise the sorrow I was in . Even he knew that I had been in perpetual pain since I came to know about your death . The question had been asked just to break the sullen silence that usually prevailed every morning at the breakfast table . But that didn’t help much . Silence prevailed thereafter , after all .

“You know what son … A new constellation has been discovered . Its in today’s newspaper . Says here it resembles a girl with her arms stretched open , as if she’s about to hug someone ……….. “

Silence struck once again . But this time it left me thinking deeply .

10 mins ago , present day , afternoon …

Its been a hard life without you Komal .

“We couldn’t save her son ” my mother had said when she broke the news about your death . “It was impossible . She had a cracked skull . The rear wheel of the truck ran over her  head which lead to her instant death . You , however , were fortunate to have only your legs crushed by it . The people who witnessed the accident promptly called for ambulance … “

I’ve been dying a slow death since then , Komal . As if the void created by your absence is not painful enough , I have to also live with the haunting feeling that I’ve been responsible for your death . Had I not been driving that recklessly that  day , this wouldn’t have been the scene today .

But you know what ! I see you in my dreams everyday . And in them I never find you angry at me. You smile at me with your arms wide open as if wanting me to hug you . Yet …. yet …. when I look into you eyes there’s nothing I can see . Nothing but my own mistake staring back at me .

Today when Dad told me about the new constellation , I was completely baffled . Maybe the stars after all granted your wish . Maybe you’ve become a constellation after all . Maybe that’s what you tried to tell me in my dreams . Maybe its my turn now !!

I long for your hug ,Komal . I long for the loving manner in which you would caress my hair . I long to see you smile . Its time for me to join you with the stars ….and become a constellation too . To get immortalised . Thats why I have this knife before me . The moment I end this letter , I’m going to cut my throat and join you for eternity .

See you in the cosmos Komal …

It was a small journey that we’d made together … But its truly a walk to remember … Or maybe …. a walk that everyone should forget …

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